I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”