*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
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my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Mornin
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.