Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Boom, boom, ching!
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.