*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Expect the unexporcupine.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.