Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*