When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Its a hippotatomus
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
no!! no!!!!!!
Breaking news:
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.