Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
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And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
How do you milk an almond?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.