You saw nothing. I am ham.
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My blood type is b hungry.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.