damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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This could be us but you eatin’
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
White parent Vs Arab parents
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer