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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
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friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!