son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.