If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I don’t think my car can fly
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”