I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Cat is stressing him out.
The little toadstool has spoken.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit