friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Don’t make me out nice you.