I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.