ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.