Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.