The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
You Might Also Like
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?