[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.