stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??