*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
it be like that
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe