Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch