[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
He died doing what he loved: being alive
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.