[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
You Might Also Like
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please