Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground