Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die