In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.