Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
You Might Also Like
True
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
So glad we cleared that up
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.