When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Can’t stop laughing
I want to meet the individual who made this
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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