I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
What
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much