me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.