I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.