It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Has science gone too far?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house