Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.