I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My dad is at it again
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.