“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80