The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend