Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me: