I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
The pen is writier than the sword.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.