I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Self-cleaning conscience
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.