If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
You Might Also Like
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.