When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
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My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Anime is real
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.