You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*launders Kohls cash*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.