People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
TODAY
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Facebook memories be like
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.