SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*puts my mental health in rice
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
dude it’s called proctologist
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it