Cat is stressing him out.
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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Optional boss fight.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.