She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.