I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
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“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess