boat question
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
So inspired right now.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head