Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.